Act I

Scene 1

1^st week of December at the Club

 [Play opening. Becky and Daisy are sitting at their usual table at the club. Becky raises her hand and circles her wrist to indicate that their drinks can be delivered.]

DAISY:   Our drinks at the flip of your wrist.  You know, I think it’s amazing how you’ve trained the wait staff here at the club.

BECKY:   I didn’t train them. They’re just giving us good service after all these years.

DAISY:    I was just thinking about that the other day. We’ve been doing cocktails and dinner ‘most every Wednesday for about forty years. That’s almost two thousand Wednesdays and yet we’ve never run out of interesting conversation.  And Judith is almost always late, now.

BECKY:  Tonight, I wish Judith were here on time.  I’m so excited to talk to both of you about something.

DAISY:  What are you talking about?

BECKY:  Darn that Judith. You’ll have to wait until she gets here.

DAISY:  I love it when you get your panties in a knot. Come on, Becky, tell me what you’re so excited about.

BECKY:  Let’s just wait for Judith.  So, how was your Thanksgiving?

DAISY:  Just like I expected! The grandkids are in their own world… texting, not talking, Heather’s husband is glued to a football game and she is busy doing all the work. … So how was your Thanksgiving?

BECKY:  Well, you know Jacob couldn’t be there. I was hoping he and his partner could come but that would be dreaming on my part. Mason really enjoys being a part of our family, now.  Rivka hosted the dinner and I met Zack’s new girlfriend. She was the highlight of the day. The rest of the weekend I spent organizing and discarding stuff. I was throwing out some old health magazines and I found an ad … a full-page ad … and there he was, the former presidential candidate, Bob Pineapple. … You know, Daisy, I find it hard to believe that a man who ran for president of the United States was advertising for a drug to give him an erection.

DAISY:  Yeah, “hard” to believe, Becky.

BECKY:  Good one, Daisy. Advertising sure has changed since we were kids!

DAISY:  I can remember when advertisements on TV were done in song like… “You’ll wonder where dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah.”

BECKY:   Oh, yeah. The Pepsodent jingle.

[Listen to this to get the right tune. Anyone who is over 70 will know if you get it right. You Tube link for Pepsodent ad jingle in Act I - Scene 1]:

BECKY:  We should make up a song for a Viagra Ad. Hmmm. Maybe it could go something like this: … “You’ll wonder where the drooping went, when you take blue pills, they’re heaven sent.” [Beat]

DAISY:  Or … ”You’ll wonder when he went downhill.” [Gesture going downhill with drooping finger.] “Could he need the Viagra pill?” [Beat]

BECKY:  Or … Elizabeth, Elizabeth, wherefore art thou? I took the pill and can do it, now!

DAISY:  New career! We should be writing for TV!

BECKY:  I don’t think TV is ready for us!

[Becky and Daisy are laughing out loud when Judith enters and signals for her drink.]

JUDITH:  What are you two laughing about?

BECKY:  We were just talking about E.D...

JUDITH:  E.D.? Oh, I know two girls who have eating disorders. [Beat]

BECKY:  Judith, we weren’t talking about eating disorders. We were talking about Erectile Dysfunction.

JUDITH:   Ohhh!

DAISY:    I heard that men are dancing in the streets over Viagra!

JUDITH:    Eew!

BECKY:     Oh, Judith!

DAISY:    Becky, since we’re all here now, what do you want to tell us that had you so excited a few minutes ago?

BECKY:   Oh, this is going to be great! Such fun!

DAISY:  What’s going to be fun?

Becky hesitates

BECKY:  Let’s do online dating!

JUDITH:  What?

BECKY:  We can do this. We can do this. We can compare notes and share stories! I think it’ll be exciting!

DAISY:  What?

BECKY:  What? What’s the matter? You look like I just killed your favorite pet! Can’t you see the possibilities?

DAISY:  Fun? You call that fun?

BECKY:  It could be a shared experience! We can laugh! We can cry! We can live again!

DAISY:  Live again? Mr. Wonderful sure didn’t make me feel alive! Why would I want to relive that?

BECKY:  Oy, your husband really was a schmuck, wasn’t he, Daisy?

DAISY:   Yep, once a schmuck always a schmuck. He was a good provider, but a sneak and a cheat. It’s no wonder he died of a heart attack while in bed with his mistress. … And now you want me to meet another man?

JUDITH:  Don’t forget. You were the one in the Will. She didn’t get anything. Only a creepy visit from the police.

BECKY:  Maybe you could find a real mensch that will make you happy one day. You certainly deserve it.

DAISY:  Oh, yeah, riiight, I need a man in every corner of my bedroom and maybe two in the kitchen for good measure…Uh huh, like a hole in the head….

[Prop person delivers drinks. Ladies ad lib thank-yous.]

JUDITH:  Becky, you’re always so busy at the store. What made you think of online dating?

BECKY:  Well, when I met Zack’s new girlfriend at Thanksgiving dinner, I asked him how they met. He said they met online. I said, “Online? Like buying a girlfriend on Amazon?” “Gramma,” he said, “You meet them by getting on a dating site.”

DAISY:  What’s a dating site?

BECKY:  He showed me one and said, “You just fill out the application and that’s all there is to it.”

JUDITH:  Well, if you want my two cents, I wouldn’t like to meet anyone that way.

DAISY:  Face to face without any faces? I wouldn’t want to meet any man unless I could look him in the eye.

JUDITH:  Don’t you think we’re too old to be dating?

BECKY:  Okay. I got it. Let’s change the subject. You used to drink wine like the rest of us. Why the Vodka lately?

JUDITH:  Well, I read that Vodka can increase blood-flow and circulation in your body which can prevent clots, strokes, and other heart diseases. Vodka can also help lower your cholesterol, and…there’s only 64 calories in a glass.

DAISY:  My God! It’s healthier than a smoothie!  Thanks, professor. Should we be taking notes?

BECKY:   Judith, how was your Thanksgiving? Are you still killing yourself to do the whole dinner?

JUDITH:   No, thank God. This year everyone brought a dish.  All I had to do was cook the turkey and set things up. Oh, and clean up after they all left.

DAISY:  Hallelujah!

JUDITH:  Dinner was great. Everyone had a wonderful time. Even Maxwell had fun. He couldn’t stop laughing. What a clown! Everything seemed to tickle his funny bone.

DAISY:  When someone is in good spirits, look for the good spirits! [Beat]

[Judith gives Daisy a puzzled look]

BECKY: Not having Jacob and Mason here for Thanksgiving was a real downer. I miss them.

DAISY:  You shouldn’t be surprised that they couldn’t get away at this time of year.

BECKY:  I know. Of course, this is when department stores make their money, but I sure did miss having them at my house for a day or two. It was quiet and lonely and boring.

DAISY:  If Jacob and his partner worked at your department store, would you be eager to give them time off?

BECKY:  I suppose you’re right. With all the year-end sales and promotions, I need all the help I can get.

DAISY:  Bet you’re a regular slave driver every year at this time.

BECKY:  I can still dream, can’t I?

DAISY:  Dreams aren’t reality, and reality is not a dream. Wow! Sometimes I impress myself! Deep thoughts from Daisy. [Beat]

BECKY:  You can’t tell me that you don’t get lonely these days. Can you?

DAISY:  The house does get pretty quiet with everyone gone, but I still have Heather and her kids nearby. I can go to her house and listen to the TV or the latest argument between her and her useless husband if I’m hungering for noise.

BECKY:  I get noise all day at the store, but when I get home, I have no one to talk to. When I was the furniture buyer, Hershel and I decided that I should use my maiden name. Since no one knew I was the owner’s wife, …

DAISY:   Oh, so you were Hershel’s spy in the store!

BECKY:   Well, you might call me that. I’ll tell you it made for interesting conversation once Hershel came home.

DAISY:   At least he came home!

BECKY:   Now, I have no one to share the excitement of my day. Yeah, I do get lonely since he’s gone.

DAISY:   I get lonely, too, since the schmuck is gone.  But that doesn’t mean I want to meet a man. I still think all men are useless.

JUDITH:    I sure could have used Archie when I had to clean the kitchen after everyone went home. The house was so quiet. And I did feel the loneliness. I must confess, I actually poured myself a glass of vodka.

BECKY:    Vodka? The silence must have been overwhelming!

DAISY:   So, my daughter is contemplating dumping her worthless husband and you want me to have fun finding a man. Becky, you must be crazy to think I would be interested.

JUDITH:  I don’t know when I’ll ever be ready for another man in my life.

BECKY:   Are you saying you don’t think this would be fun?

JUDITH:   I’m not looking for fun in that way. I know I would never be able to replace my Archie.

BECKY:  Are you two trying to say you don’t want to meet anyone?

DAISY:  How did you guess?

BECKY:  Well, I’m still curious. I want to see what it’s like. Why can’t we just pretend? You know, just check it out? We don’t actually have to go out on a date.

JUDITH:  Okay, I’ll agree to play your game, but you know I’m not interested.

BECKY:  We can pretend and still check out some dating sites.

DAISY:  Becky, you’re not giving up on this, are you?

BECKY:  I’m not giving up on something that we haven’t even tried yet.

JUDITH:  Okay, okay, you’ve made your point. I’ve got a computer, so I’ll volunteer to check a few things out and I will even bring notes next week.

DAISY:  I think we’ve just proven that we’re never too old to learn something stupid! [Beat]

JUDITH:   I’m getting hungry. I think I’m going to have a personal pizza, tonight.

DAISY:   I’m in the mood for a burger and fries. I’ll work it off at pickleball, tomorrow.

BECKY:  I think I’ll have the mixed pair: Soup and Salad.

DAISY:   There you go, again! Still pairing yourself up!

[Lights down and girls exit stage.]

End of Scene 1 – Act l

Scene 2 – Second week of December

[Becky and Daisy stroll in and take seats. Becky raises her hand and circles her wrist to indicate that their drinks can be delivered.]

BECKY:  It looks like Judith’s late again … as usual. I wonder what her excuse is this week.

DAISY:  Maybe she got tied up teaching knot-making to girl scouts.  [Beat] Did you get a chance to read Judith’s Christmas newsletter?

BECKY:  I did. … It sounded like it was written by a professional novelist.

DAISY:  Well, what would you expect from a retired English teacher?

BECKY:  Talk about perfect … every word and description sounded like the perfect family. Do you believe that anyone’s family can be that perfect? Oy, I should be so lucky! Her grandson made the football team, another one got tapped for National Honor Society, and she wrote about the cruise she took them on.

DAISY:  Her Christmas newsletter sure did sound as though she was living in a perfect world. We know it’s not all sunshine and roses! What about that no-good grandson, Maxwell…the one who’s always in trouble because of drugs? [Judith enters.] Don’t you remember when he got picked up?

[Judith is still bundled up for winter.]

JUDITH:  Hi girls, who got picked up?

DAISY:  Uh … I was just telling Becky that … some young girl that I golf with was … telling me … that her brother just got picked up by a gal that he barely knows.

[Judith stands behind her chair.]

JUDITH:  Hmmm. These girls today. … So brazen. [Purse hits table.]

BECKY:  Judith, you’re late again. What’s your excuse this time?

[Judith is telling them why she is late while she is taking off her gloves, scarf and coat and tosses them on the 4^th chair that sits empty. She continues standing until she finishes her story.]

JUDITH:  Well, I was late because I had to get gas. It was one fiasco after another. First, I didn’t go to my regular station. I had to get out of the car to put my credit card in and I remembered that I forgot to reach under my steering wheel to open the gas tank. So, I got back in the car and pulled the lever. Then I got out again and put my credit card into the slot and the machine wanted my zip code. Honestly, I almost forgot my own zip code.

Well, I got through that hurdle and the next thing I know, it was telling me I have to pay inside. By this time, I had not pumped any gas and my hands were already freezing because I needed to take off my gloves to put the credit card into the slot and “remove quickly.”

So, I tried again, and it still said I had to pay inside. Hmmm. I went inside, gave the cashier my credit card and said, “I want to fill up my gas tank and that pump seems to not understand me.” The attendant said, “You can’t do a fill up on your credit card. … We can only put in a specified amount.” By this time, I’m getting frustrated, but I said, “Okay, … give me $20.00 worth of gas.”

He ran my card through for $20.00 worth of gas and out I went into the cold to squeeze the pump for my gas. At least at this point I had my gloves back on … and … [Judith sits, exhausted.] and that’s why I’m late.